YAWP!

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Today.

Today I found my novel. A random collection of thoughts that I had forgot I had written. For the most part I cannot even believe I wrote it. It touches on so many aspects of myself that I have merely grown out of. Expresses my thoughts and feelings so eloquently and objectively that I find it impossible to think that I have written this down. I am unable to express myself, my thoughts, feelings, dreams any more because it makes me feel embarrassed, uneducated and hopeless. I know I’ve taken elements of things I’ve written here to help bring it together but a lot of it I cannot comprehend the mindset I must have been in to compose it. 

146,029 notes

*Hears noises at night*:
Well this is it this is the end for me I had a good life
*Gets shampoo in my eyes*:
I guess I'm blind now how am I going to go on holy shit
*Heart is beating fast*:
I think I am having a heart attack is this what cardiac arrest is
*A cop walks by*:
Here I go about to get arrested I probably murdered someone I'm sure they know about when I smoked that one time
*Taking a test*:
Don't take your eyes off of this paper you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school
*Gets a sunburn*:
Skin cancer

50 notes

pauljay:

Name That Puppy!
We had some friends over for a BBQ yesterday, and introduced everybody to the little puppy we’re fostering-to-adopt, and asked them to suggest potential names.
What follows is the transcription of a list that covered both sides of a piece of paper by the end of the night. Some of these are from good friends, some from kindly folk we had just met, and some, I’m pretty sure, are from random homeless people who wandered into our house looking for empty bottles and used aluminum foil.
Which will it be? Keep in mind the puppy is male and likely to end up a fairly small dog. Here we go:
Beans
Nibbler
Inspector Pancakes
Snacks
Zoidberg
Puppito
Scrappity
Columbo
Jambi
Xerxes
Pickles
Mrs. Squishels
Mr. Balls
Slavelabour
Chomsky
Crud
Beattle
Skin
Grundle
Lord Waffles
Bonkers
Douglas Fairbanks
Inspector Spacetime
Rebecca Addelman
Riggins
Moose
Josh Androsky
Perfect
Lieutenant Dan
Worthless
Shitbag Face
Coffee
Zuul
Comics Unleashed
Byron Allen
Herman Weintraub
Renley
President Barack Obama
Backstreet Boys
Charles
Count Barkula
The Darkness
Black Dog
Senator Cuddlebreath
Blackhawk
Funkadelic
Tron
Ramón
Frankie Giovanni
Will Weldon
Ding Dong
4426091
Jeffy
The Doctor
Darrell/Daryl
Spud Webb
Frodo
Gus
Luc Radu
Pittsburgh
Euroboy
Scooter
Lyle
Maynard
Motorcycle Max
Computer
Frank
Chuck
Boozer
Natalie
Mittens
Cap’n Grabass
Bark Maron
Sebastian From The Little Mermaid
Riggs
Blacko
Blackee
Karate [this was written in giant letters across the entire upper third of the page]
Otter
El DeBarge
2 Live Pooch
Monster
Scottie Pippen
Chester Copperpot
Conway Twitty
Bocephus
Peter DUNKlage
Good Time 69
Budgley Shumpster
Blerg
King Hippo
Dentures
Puddles
Mr. Wizard
Nick Jr.
Garbage Factory
Horse Glue
Admiral Dog
Might Be Racist
Frederick Doglass
Booker T. Puppington
Kris Kross
Booger
Wild Thing
[illegible: possibly “Edamame”?]
Slut Bunwalla
Recession Naps
George Lazenby
Mr. Plow
Mr. Cran-tastic
Humphrey
Tumblr

pauljay:

Name That Puppy!

We had some friends over for a BBQ yesterday, and introduced everybody to the little puppy we’re fostering-to-adopt, and asked them to suggest potential names.

What follows is the transcription of a list that covered both sides of a piece of paper by the end of the night. Some of these are from good friends, some from kindly folk we had just met, and some, I’m pretty sure, are from random homeless people who wandered into our house looking for empty bottles and used aluminum foil.

Which will it be? Keep in mind the puppy is male and likely to end up a fairly small dog. Here we go:

Beans

Nibbler

Inspector Pancakes

Snacks

Zoidberg

Puppito

Scrappity

Columbo

Jambi

Xerxes

Pickles

Mrs. Squishels

Mr. Balls

Slavelabour

Chomsky

Crud

Beattle

Skin

Grundle

Lord Waffles

Bonkers

Douglas Fairbanks

Inspector Spacetime

Rebecca Addelman

Riggins

Moose

Josh Androsky

Perfect

Lieutenant Dan

Worthless

Shitbag Face

Coffee

Zuul

Comics Unleashed

Byron Allen

Herman Weintraub

Renley

President Barack Obama

Backstreet Boys

Charles

Count Barkula

The Darkness

Black Dog

Senator Cuddlebreath

Blackhawk

Funkadelic

Tron

Ramón

Frankie Giovanni

Will Weldon

Ding Dong

4426091

Jeffy

The Doctor

Darrell/Daryl

Spud Webb

Frodo

Gus

Luc Radu

Pittsburgh

Euroboy

Scooter

Lyle

Maynard

Motorcycle Max

Computer

Frank

Chuck

Boozer

Natalie

Mittens

Cap’n Grabass

Bark Maron

Sebastian From The Little Mermaid

Riggs

Blacko

Blackee

Karate [this was written in giant letters across the entire upper third of the page]

Otter

El DeBarge

2 Live Pooch

Monster

Scottie Pippen

Chester Copperpot

Conway Twitty

Bocephus

Peter DUNKlage

Good Time 69

Budgley Shumpster

Blerg

King Hippo

Dentures

Puddles

Mr. Wizard

Nick Jr.

Garbage Factory

Horse Glue

Admiral Dog

Might Be Racist

Frederick Doglass

Booker T. Puppington

Kris Kross

Booger

Wild Thing

[illegible: possibly “Edamame”?]

Slut Bunwalla

Recession Naps

George Lazenby

Mr. Plow

Mr. Cran-tastic

Humphrey

Tumblr

0 notes

It has been figuratively forever. Literally weeks. Mumma needs some sugar.

1 note

I know I say this a lot.

But Topher Grace. Hnnnnggg.

Though, I get embarrassed to watch him in movies and tv shows because he is such an awesome dork. He puts this massive stupid grin on my face. A lot like another stupid awesome dork that I am in love with.

On the same note though: Topher Grace HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG

28,818 notes

mamaumbridge:

pernillo:

areyoutryingtodeduceme:

infinitefacepalm:

downtothelastbullet:

greenet:

tikaka:

clockworksexual:

iwoulddeduceyoutwice:

sugarkitteh:

bigbangpunch:

BRITISH VERSION OF THIS:

1. BOIL THE KETTLE - IF YOU HAVE TO USE A STOVE OR MICROWAVE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR HOUSE

2. USE ANY WATER IN EXISTENCE - FUCK FILTERING THAT SHIT YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO MAKE A PROFILE YOUR SHOW IS BACK ON IN 5 MINUTES PRESS A

3. THROW WHATEVER THE HELL TEABAG YOU HAVE IN THERE - FUCK LOOSE TEA THAT IS FOR WHEN YOU ORDER TEA OUTSIDE

4. USE YOUR STIRRING TEABAG METHOD OF CHOICE, ADD SUGAR/SWEETENER LIKE A BOSS OR NOT IF YOU ARE A HEALTHY BOSS

5. GRUMBLE LIKE A FISHERMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE KETTLE AREA TO GO TO THE FRIDGE TO GET MILK AND BACK TO IT AGAIN AFTER YOU ADD IT

6. RUN BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING, TAKE A COMFORT SIP AND THEN EITHER FINISH IT OR FORGET ABOUT IT AND MOAN ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU LET IT GO COLD

****

EDIT: IF YOU CAN’T SPOT IF NOT FROM THIS ALONE THEN THE NATURE OF MY TUMBLR THAT I’M NOT MAKING A DIG AT HER COMIC SIMPLY POINTING OUT HOW LAZY WE ARE OVER HERE WITH TEA THEN GET OFF THE INTERNET. THE COMIC COVERS ALL TEA OPTIONS. COME AT ME BRO.

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION

JUST GET THE BLOODY BILLY ON THE FIRE AND THROW IN A FISTFUL OF TEA FOR EACH BUGGER AFTER THE WATER BOILS

TAKE OFF FIRE

WAIT UNTIL IT REACHES DESIRED STRENGTH

CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING A SPOON STOOD UPRIGHT IN IT IS IDEAL

WHACK BILLY TO ENCOURAGE SINKING OF TEA LEAVES

POUR IT OUT

ADD AS MUCH MILK AND SUGAR AS YOU LIKE OR NOT AT ALL VEGEMITE IS ACCEPTABLE

DRINK IT DOWN WHILE RIDING OFF INTO THE OUTBACK ON YOUR BIG RED KANGAROO ON A SADDLE MADE OF DROPBEAR PELTS, WITH YOUR TRUSTY BRUMBY PACKING ALONG YOUR SWAG AND A DINGO BY YOUR SIDE

CHEERS MATE

CANADIAN VERSION

WHAT IS ENGLAND DOING?

OK NOW COPY THAT SHIT AND JUST CHANGE A FEW THINGS

NO PUSSY REAL “TEAWARE”, WE HAVE NORMAL COFFEE MUGS FOR THAT SHIT.

USE WHATEVER APPLIANCE YOU WANT TO HEAT THE DAMN WATER, YEAH WE SIGNED OUR FUCKING FREEDOM. NO ONE SAID IT WAS MANDATORY FOR KETTLES!

SIT LIKE A CLASSY MAN/WOMAN AND WAIT FOR IT TO BOIL

EAT SOME BACON

THROW A TEABAG IN THERE, LOOSE TEA IS FOR MY MONARCHIST AUNT.

DUMP SO MUCH SUGAR IN IT THAT YOU GET DIABETES AND SO MUCH MILK THAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE AND MILK THE COW, BETSY.

TAKE A SIP.

SCALD YOURSELF AND ALMOST DROP MUG, SPILLING IT DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR BACK IN THE PROCESS.

REALIZE TEA ISN’T TOO MUCH OF YOUR THING AND GO BACK TO COFFEE.

AMERICAN VERSION

FIND A CUP(?) (ANY CLEAN, CUP-LIKE INSTRUMENT WILL WORK)

FILL IT WITH TAP WATER

ADD FIVE SPOONFULS OF INSTANT ICED TEA POWDER

STIR THAT SHIT SO HARD YOU SPILL SOME ON THE COUNTER, LET GO OF THE SPOON SO YOU CAN WATCH IT SPIN

DRINK IT AND CHOKE BECAUSE IT’S TOO SWEET

POUR SOME INTO THE SINK AND ADD WATER IN HOPES THAT IT WILL TASTE ACCEPTABLE

REPEAT UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT

ADD ICE CUBES AND A STRAW TO ENHANCE CLASSINESS

FINNISH VERSION


FUCK THE KETTLE, JUST TAKE THE PAIL FROM THE SAUNA

IF THE WATER ISN’T BOILING, YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG

TOSS THE BIRCH VIHTA IN THE WATER AND LET IT SEEP FOR A WHILE

GET A BOTTLE OF VODKA

DRINK THE VODKA

FORGET THE “TEA” UNTIL IT COOLS DOWN

RINSE YOUR NAKED BODY WITH THE BIRCH TEA

GO ROLL IN THE SNOW AND SCREAM FOR YOUR ANCIENT GODS

NORWEGIAN VERSION

BOIL WATER IN ELECTRIC KETTLE

TAKE OUT INSTANT COFFEE

DRINK COFFEE

…WHAT DO YOU MEAN “TEA”?

SOUTHERN VERSION

GET A POT AND PUT SOME WATER AND A BUNCH OF TEA BAGS IN THAT SONOFABITCH

BOIL THAT SHIT

PUT THAT SHIT IN A PITCHER

ADD SUGAR

KEEP ADDING SUGAR

NO, YOU’RE NOT DONE YET

WHEN THE SUGAR HAS REACHED ITS SATURATION POINT AND IS NO LONGER ACTUALLY DISSOLVING IN BOILING WATER THEN YOU’RE DONE

(i am not making this up i know people who make it that way)

FILL THE REST OF THAT SHIT UP WITH WATER AND PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ICEBOX

ENJOY THAT SHIT WITH A NICE TASTY PLATE OF DEEP-FRIED THINGS

How To Make Tea. In multiple countries.

YOU’RE WELCOME, TUMBLR.

DANISH VERSION

GRAB BEER FROM FRIDGE BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO TAKE TOO LONG TO MAKE ANYTHING, AND YOU’RE THIRSTY NOW

PRE-REVOLUTIONARY AMERICAN VERSION

SEE TEA IN BOXES ON BOAT

FUCK TAXES ON TEA, THAT’S BULLSHIT

PUT ON YOUR REALLY BAD AND PROBABLY OFFENSIVE NATIVE AMERICAN COSTUME BECAUSE IF IT’S NOT OFFENSIVE TO SOMEONE THEN IT’S NOT AMERICAN

THROW THAT TEA SHIT INTO THE BOSTON HARBOR UNDER THE COVER OF NIGHT EVEN THOUGH MOST PEOPLE STILL WANT TO DRINK IT DESPITE THE TAXES

BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY